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Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
there`s only 2 things in life you have control in changing that is your attitude and a kids diaper.. which at times both can be the equivalent of the other..
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
take it easy and if it is easy take it home
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?