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I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.