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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
Sarcasm. Because communicating with morons is hard.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?