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my wish for tonight is for the person reading this status to have a Good Night!
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
Make Tomorrow More Fun: Unplug the copier at work & put a sign on it that says “now voice activated!” Sit back & watch the magic unfold
Turning on your lights and siren after you lose a drag race is just poor sportsmanship.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin