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I`m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
I eat bananas with a fork, so I don`t look gay.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
Being an American is awesome. The end.
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?