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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
At least clean up the bathroom before taking your profile picture.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to a job they hate, and paying their bills.
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking