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If your Facebook post requires me to hit “continue…” get a diary.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!