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They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that`s why I surround myself with lazy people
Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I’m considering becoming a mind reader ... What are your thoughts?
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
The ultimate home security system is having crappy stuff.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
The girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor should automatically get a cat.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.