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There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
Wishing a happy unbirthday to everybody who`s birthday isn`t today.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
The greatest fear is NOT fear itself. It’s dropping your phone in a port-a-potty!
Apparently the ``All you can eat buffet`` isn`t a challenge ...
Do you ever just look at someone and think "Wow, let me take off your pants."