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Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
Urgh..I just dropped my phone, are you guys alright?
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
I’m always frank with my sexual partners. Don’t want them knowing my real name.
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
Every woman needs a shoulder to cry on, a shoulder to lean on and a shoulder to hold her bra strap on!!!
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
Get ahead of myself. Sometimes I
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"