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Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
The fox says you need to stop.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
My level of sarcasm is to a point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
This oatmeal tastes like I`m gonna need a doughnut.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
I`m at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?