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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
When something goes wrong in your life, just yell "PLOT TWIST!" and move on.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.