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This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God...just texted her and said "I saw that"
No matter how old you are, If a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
I have a black belt in leather
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.