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Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
#Redskins QB Robert Griffin III back after surgery to reconstruct the ACL and repair the LCL in his right knee. He`s now RG 3.2
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"