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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
i know how to shutup.I just don`t know when.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.