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Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions