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cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.