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Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
You know when dogs sticks their heads out of a moving car window, bite at the air and it looks like fun? I tried it. It is.
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops