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You’re not really living if you don’t have an arch-nemesis.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.