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Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
Just Failed my Health and Saftey Test.The question was,"What steps would u take,in case of a fire?!"Big f*cking ones"was the wrong answer.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
"Wow, you look good today!” is not a compliment if it comes with a genuinely surprised look.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
Word for today: Dipshidiot
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."