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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
For Christmas I just want summer...
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.