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Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
My poor neighbour suffered a stroke today...I must remember to close the blinds before getting naked.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
Can you find the the mistake? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10. Click Funny if you did..
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.