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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
I don`t really want to make bad choices; but I`m always late, and all the good choices are already taken..
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
Just about the time I started to give a crap, my attitude became constipated......
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.