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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Life is what happens when your cell phone is charging.
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
For a minute there, I thought I had just wasted 60 seconds...
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.