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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Surly not EVERYBODY was Kung-Foo fighting?
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
How long do I microwave this 14 lb turkey?
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...