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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.