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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
Apparently, the answer `I know.` is not a good answer when your friend tells you how awesome his girlfriend is in bed.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
Caterpillars have it made. They eat a lot, go to sleep, then wake up beautiful.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
Now tell me how old your baby is in hours.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.