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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
The best stories ever told always end with the words”…and then I got the hell out of there.”
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.