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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Email: 8 character min, including 1 upper, 1 lower, 1 number, 1 special character. ATM card: 4 numbers
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
You`re not living life right if you don`t get just a little bit nervous every time you hear a police siren.
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I`m terrified to go into the bathroom.
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
I had a bit of a lazy day sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online. My boss was furious.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.