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My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
This is my Facebook status. There are many like it but this one is mine.
I`m starting to think all that stuff about Y2K is not going to happen !
Pretty cool how the internet lets you stay connected with people you haven`t seen in years and silently judge them on a daily basis.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I`m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!