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Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
I hate when Iām comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
Nascar would be so more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
Things could be worse ... sex could be fattening
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial