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I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.