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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
I’m sorry I offended you with my common sense.
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.
My body needs a refresh button.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!