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Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
I`ll act my age when I`m 69..
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It`s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
Next time a guy says he wants to fight you, just say "not in that outfit!" and roller skate away
Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can`t be with them for the holidays. But don`t be jealous.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My new year`s resolution is that donuts have no calories.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.