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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Wait...so the "c-word" isn`t co-worker?
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
Those Box Tops that raise money for schools really should be on wine labels and cases of beer.
"Dont make me regret this!" is something I say to myself every time I accept a facebook friendship from a relative.
Honking your horn won´t make them go any faster, but at least they´ll know that you´re an asshole.
It`s about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)