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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
You`re never too old to learn something stupid.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
Love is a two way street but you have to be careful because women can’t drive.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.