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My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
Sometimes my brain is like the bermuda triangle...Information goes in then it`s never found again..
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.
Iām not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.