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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Life is like a teenager`s p@nis. some are short, some are long, but it is always hard.
I think I can survive on Mars since they found water for my coffee.
I had your cake and ate it too.
My husband told me he needed more space ... So I locked him outside.