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If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
I don`t always agree with everything I say. :)
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
Life would be so much better if throughout the day we encountered randomly placed Piñatas
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."