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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.
If your house doesn`t have house numbers on it, you need to address that situation.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
When life gives you melons, wear a low cut top.
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
Women who say the quickest way to a man`s heart is through his stomach, have not seen his browser history.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
Fun Fact: Valentine`s Day was created by a woman than didn`t get what she wanted for Christmas.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.