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When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
I`ll just admire you from afar.. Or 500ft. That`s what this paper says.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. I’m buying a sandwich.
Why do they have “limited edition” scented candles? Are there crazy people collecting these things?
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
I always feel a little kinky whenever the lady at Starbucks asks me if I’d like whipped cream on it.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.