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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
is not impatient. I just patient really fast.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.