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I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
My son got one of those `Stop Bullying` wristbands. he took it away from a fat little ginger kid.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.