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I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
I can`t believe I was late for work tomorrow..
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
( )( ) =( `-` )= <( . )> ("`)("`) bunny!!
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.