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That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.