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If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
There are so many scams on the Internet now. Send me $19.95 and I will tell you how to avoid them.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Got a paper cut turning the pages in my self-defense book.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.