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Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
I was thinking about selling my old phone but I think it knows too much.
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
Would you like to donate $1 to this charity or leave the checkout line feeling like human scum?
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
I`d be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
wants to jump in a cab and yell "follow that car!"
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.