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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
I just found love.....its on page 369 in dictionary
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...