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There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
I`m just saying it might be a good idea for Liam Neeson`s to take his family members to the vet and get them microchipped.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.