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Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
Dear God, I´ve been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven´t been mean at all, but I´m about to get up now and I may need your help :)
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
I’m home alone. Time to start my concert.
The one thing you can always count on is your fingers.
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.