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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
Everyone has a purpose in life ... Perhaps mine is finding things to bitch about.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
"No! Don`t leave me! I need you! Nooooo!" I say as my laptop cords slowly slides off my bed onto the floor.
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..
"Iyam A. Wii Todd" <-- Bet you can say that name out loud, in a crowded place, and really fast!
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
Sometimes when you first meet someone you just know you want to spend the rest of your life ... Avoiding them