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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
"Everybody freeze!" -December
I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. Iām thinking about getting her a treadmill.