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What I do when I black out is none of my business.
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
I bet genies were a real thing until one jerk wished for genies not to exist anymore.
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
I was filling out this form when one of the questions asked "What level is your maturity?" I didn`t fill it out cause I couldn`t find my crayons!!
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
Current relationship status: Leaving pizza and beer in the bushes, to lure in stalkers.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.