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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Has anyone ever seen a gorilla in the mist? Some of the local drivers struggle to see my car in perfect daylight conditions, so I doubt that they`d spot a Gorilla in limited visibility!!!!!
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."