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Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.