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If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
I`ve had frozen pizza and delivery pizza in the same day, b!tch you don`t know me.
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
Last year I won a $50 gift card to Chili`s at a Christmas raffle. ...... This year I`ve decided my Secret Santa gift is going to be a $14.37 gift card to Chili`s.
Alcohol makes me worse at everything except telling secrets
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
Oops, I must have put my personalities on "shuffle"