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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
When I die I want Charlie Sheen’s life to flash before my eyes.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
My body needs a refresh button.
Me: I only smoke weed because of Cancer. Mom: You don`t have Cancer! Me: So it`s working...