Daily Silly Status

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

My wife didn`t appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.

You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)

I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.

Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole

Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.

This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik`s Cube. If you kids don`t know what a Rubik`s Cube is, it`s what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones. Mel

I`m leaving my body to science because even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.

I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!

Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?

i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*

I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.