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Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won`t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.