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Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
As an adult, I use nunchucks way less than I expected.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
Cheers to alcohol! The cause of, and solution, to all of life’s problems!
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!