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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
My mother was feeling cold so now I`m wearing a sweater.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I am surprised Cheech and Chong have not filmed a new movie -"Cheech and Chong Smoke Colorado"
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke