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Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
The way I figure it, whatever doesn’t kill me has lost it’s chance.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Was the little pig who built his house out of straw some sort of idiot?
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.