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I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Roses are red vilouts are blue your moms beautiful what happened to you!
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
It`s my birthday. Iām not just a year older, Iām also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.