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Prostitution must be a hole sale business.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink