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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!