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I would watch NASCAR if hot wheels designed the tracks.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Drive-Thru Workers: The longer you make me wait in line, the more change will be used for my payment...
THESE NACHOS ARE THE BOMB! …..and that’s how I got my nachos taken away at the airport.
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn`t."
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
I don’t know what it is but, it’s on sale.
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there