Daily Silly Status

I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.

I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.

If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.

I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...

Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.

If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary

I`m done chasing people who aren`t willing to do the same for me. After today, the ice cream man can go f*ck himself!!

Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.

I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.

What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.

Cologne - because people shouldn`t have a choice whether or not they want to smell you.

I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.