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What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix… Don’t drink and derive!
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.