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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I`m a nice person.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
New Game: Attach a mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.