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So how long before GoFundMe is our nation`s leading health care provider?
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
I get my cardio from caffeine...
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I’m posing nude for an art class this evening. Nobody asked me to. I think they’re making ceramic bowls.
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.