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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
some people just need to be kicked... in the stomach... with steel toed boots
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
You can learn a lot from a person especially when you watch them through high powered binoculars, I`m just saying.
My dad`s TV volume is always set at "f*ck the neighbors".
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.