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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
Back in my day, we had to remember phone numbers and give people directions and don`t get me started on the dinosaurs.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
I changed the audio of my GPS to a man`s voice. Now it just says "It`s around here somewhere. Keep driving for a little while."
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?