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Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!! A cure for hangovers WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!! Please stop yelling
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and hold on, are those nuts?
I broke a mirror now I`m looking at 7 years bad luck... but my lawyer thinks he can get me off with 3
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?
Home is where the alcohol is.