Daily Silly Status

"Don`t try this at home" encourages people to try it at another`s home instead.

When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."

i never said i knew what i was doing, i said i was going to do it anyway :)

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.

Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.

If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.

Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.

Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were

I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch

Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.

People who sit and talk while their pizza is gets cold gives me anxiety.

If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?

Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife ?

I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red