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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
Those teardrop tattoos mean you cried during the notebook, right?
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
Social networking sites is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.