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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
Don’t believe everything you think.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
The worst part of owning an invisibility cloak is trying to remember where you hung it up.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.